I'll never hide my thoughts from you...
22 August 2008 | 9:39 pm

Reflections

I just watched that movie again, The Holiday. God. Talk about it being a tear-jerker when you're in the wrong mood. It's another one of those damned movies where I want to call D up afterwards and tell him through sobs and chokes how much I love him and no matter what else happens, no matter what else is said and done, just for him to know that I love him and that's all that matters. God.

There's a scene in the movie where (gah, have spent last 10 minutes looking for a copy of the screenplay... UNsuccessfully), anyway, there's this scene in the movie where Jude Law is trying to explain Cam Diaz about how he gets to be a different person, a normal single guy, when he doesn't have the girls (his 2 young daughters), how it's a different world, how he feels free. I thought about this (in fact, I thought about this the first time I watched the film as well, just never wrote about it) and how D said something similar to me once, about how when he's with me sampling my youth, that he feels free. And so I thought about this some more and wondered what it must feel like, one to feel trapped and two to then feel freed, albeit temporarily. He's mentioned different things over the months which allude to him missing youth, missing freedom, being carefree. Various people have said similar things to me since we started this thing; that he is using me, just as an escape, to get away from his daily grind. I never thought much of it at the time but I wonder if there is some truth in it, however small and insignificant, at least in the escape part, not so much the using part. Surely there has to be some element of that when you're having an affair? His life is busy, hard work, constant hard work really, between having a high-pressure, fast-paced job, supporting a family of 4 including a special needs child, maintaining a big property, renovating his home. I've had little digs at him before in the past about how you can busy yourself to the point where your life becomes a blur and you don't have any time to stop and spend time with yourself, look at who you are and where you are. Using things like work and house renovations and an affair to avoid successfully maintaining your marriage. I used to have big digs at Rome about it all the time. It was just impossible for him to relax, to do nothing, to spend time with himself and just chill out, just relax. And I don't mean lazying around, watching TV or whatever. I mean spending some quality time by yourself or with your loved ones, with no pressure or constraints. He couldn't stand to be on his own, didn't know what to do with himself if he was ever physically on his own. Always had to call someone, visit someone, go and work on the boat or in his shed, do some gardening, always go go go. He was never comfortable in his own skin, with just being by himself, being alone. But anyway. I digress.

Look, there isn't even a point I'm trying to make I don't think. It's just that these things sort of pop into my head from time to time, usually after I watch a particular movie or hear a song or read a book. I always question everything, have to explore everything, all in attempts of course to try and understand D, understand him so I can know him better, love him better and just support him, be whatever he needs me to be. It doesn't matter, you know, and I keep coming back this thing, actually a few things, which I covered really in depth in an entry I wrote a few weeks ago but haven't been brave enough to post yet though I'm sure I'll get around it to someday... Anyway. God. I mean... And I'm quoting here:

I want to make this simpler. I want to... bring this back to basics. I am here to love and support him, and just be with him. It doesn't matter why he needs me, or wants me, or what compels him into my arms. I spend a lot of time exploring these things because I am trying to understand him, so that I can love him better.

Does that make any sense? Or am I just a lunatic pushover who will do anything to be loved? God, I don't know. No, no wait, I'm definitely NOT a lunatic pushover who will do anything to be loved. God.

Anyway. Whatever. I'm really, really tired and to be honest I have no idea what I am rambling on about and this is going to be one of those really rare occasions where I write something and then don't go back to read it 50 million times before deciding I hate it. GOD. And if I blaspheme one more time in this post, I'm going to get struck by lightening or something I just know it. Christ.

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